


To Love Again

by ScribblesInTheMargins



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Car Accidents, Everyone misses Otabek, Happy Ending, M/M, Marriage, Otabek Altin is dead, Otabek Altin is loved, POV First Person, Past Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky, Pliroy Week 2021, Post-Canon, contains art, skating drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-23 18:08:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30059481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScribblesInTheMargins/pseuds/ScribblesInTheMargins
Summary: Otabek Altin was the most important person in Yuri's life, and then he was taken away.Life wasn't fair. Otabek never got the chance to do all the things he dreamed of, but Yuri was still alive and he needed to try and fulfill some of those dreams for the man he loved.Jean-Jacque Leroy had few friends, but Otabek was special even in that small group.  He'd do anything to help Yuri with this quest -- even if it meant he fell in love.Second chances are precious and need to be taken when presented.
Relationships: Jean-Jacques Leroy/Yuri Plisetsky
Comments: 91
Kudos: 36
Collections: Pliroy Week 2021





	1. Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> Please please heed the warnings
> 
> Otabek Altin is dead, Yuri is dealing with pain
> 
> This is my Pliroy Week fic, and while not 100% done is mostly done so it should post a chapter every day for the week. There might be a delay of a day or two depending on a few things.
> 
> For more information on Pliroy Week, please visit - [https://pliroyweek.tumblr.com/ ](https://pliroyweek.tumblr.com/)

I had expected a lot of things at Skate Canada this year. I was wrong on pretty much everything. I took first instead of second -- even with Yuri Plisetsky there. I didn't fall apart at my first home competition since Izzy and I had mutually decided to call things off. Well, that's what we told the press, the reality was she had finally had enough of me and left. However, my personal drama had been forgotten by the press as soon as Yuri had walked into the venue.

The man had been alone. There was no coach, no choreographer, no representative from the Russian Skating Federation -- and most telling, no team Russia jacket. Instead, he had been wearing an Olympic jacket from the last games. The sky blue and lemon yellow on a white base with the word 'Kazakhstan' made the jacket instantly recognizable as Otabek Altin's.

If that had been all it was, it would have been a tragic reminder of last season, but it hadn't ended there. Programs were reprinted at the last moment, and a Kazakhstan flag was found in storage. Yuri had changed what country he was skating for, and no one knew why. No, everyone knew why _Yuri_ had changed, what no one knew was why Kazakhstan had welcomed him and Russia hadn't fought him leaving.

When the medal ceremony had happened, Yuri had stood on the second-highest step with that pale blue flag over his head. Part of me wished he was one higher so we'd hear the anthem as well.

The Gala started with a moment of silence and a highlight reel of Otabek Altin in memorium of the man we had lost last year. Yuri's exhibition skate had been a romantic ballad dedicated to the memory of his boyfriend. No one had forgotten how the skating community had lost one of their own last January. No one could forget that Yuri had lost more than most people. I knew I couldn't forget.

Now, tonight, with the lights dimmed and people in small groups or dancing together, Yuri was at the bar, a glass with something clear in it held in his hands and I knew damn well what that liquid was. I couldn't let this be the end, I got up from my table and walked over to the other man. As I leaned against the bar, ordering a whiskey soda, I looked over at Yuri, "Thanks for helping my mom put together the tribute video." It had been last minute, but I had thrown every last bit of clout I still had with Skate Canada as the national champion to get it to happen.

"No, thank you. I … I didn't see whatever they did at Worlds." Yuri didn't look up, his eyes focused on the drink in his hands.

Yuri hadn't been at worlds. No one had seen him since the funeral. The accident had happened right at the end of Europeans. Yuri had won while Otabek had remained in Kazakhstan to train for the Four Continents. On the way to practice while Yuri was still in Europe for the gala, there had been a motorcycle accident. I didn't know the details, all the news articles had been vague. I had wanted to ask, but …

"He … he liked to talk about his time here, with your family. I hadn't seen some of those photos though." Yuri was looking down at his glass, eyes closed as he let out a sigh.

"I'll get you copies of them?" It had been months, but clearly, time hadn't healed that wound at all -- or maybe it had, and that thought scared me.

"I … I'd like that."

"Do you … want to talk about it?" The offer was so tentative and lacked all of the normal bluster I normally used to hide my real feelings.

"Thank you, but … no. People … people expect me to say something sad and then smile and say something nice, smile and thank them for listening and--"

"That's bull shit, Yuri. Screw them. You're hurting, you don't need to do some sort of performative art for anyone."

"I --"

"I mean it. If you want to scream, hit someone, cry, whatever … I miss him and everything sucks, and he was just my friend." He hadn't been my lover.

Yuri looked at me in confusion before shaking his head, "I'm not talking around all these people. Cameras. They'd love to see me cry. The only thing they'd like more is if I had cried in his jacket.

"That was a statement, wearing that."

"Rusfed is pissed. I don't care. Yakov needed to retire anyways and Beka's coach … Beka's coach … " Yuri's voice caught, a painful noise in his throat.

I didn't know what to do, how to help, but I had to try. I reached out for Yuri's shoulder, "Come on. We've both been here long enough." With my hand on Yuri's back, I led him out of the banquet hall. Even through the suit, I could feel the tension and how the man was shaking.

The walk to my hotel room wasn't long. It seemed like it took forever though. I wanted to get Yuri out of anywhere that public eyes could see him -- I had more than enough experience lately with how the press could be. I wasn't going to put a time limit on Yuri's pain. Hearts didn't operate like that.

"Is there anything I can get you?" As the door closed, I walked Yuri over to the bed, helping the still shell-shocked man to sit.

"I … can you email me the pictures?"

"Sure." I didn't hesitate, of all the things Yuri could have asked for, that was such a small favor. They were all on my laptop so I grabbed it, and powered it up as I sat a little away from Yuri to put the laptop between us and give him a little physical space, or maybe to give myself that space. "I just need your email?" I watched as Yuri reached over to type it in. On the hotel wifi, it would take a little while, but I shoved the photos into emails as fast as I could. It would take a few emails though to do it, but I knew this wasn't all Yuri needed. I wanted to get this done quickly so maybe I could help him in some more coherent way.

As I was just finishing typing, Yuri took a deep breath, "Did Beka talk to you about the Olympics?"

"Yeah." Of course, Otabek had. As long as I had known him, that had been the man's goal. "He -- it was his goal." My voice dropped as he looked down at where my email was showing the uploading progress. Should I tell him about the late nights when he lived with us, listening to music and talking about skating for our respective countries? I might have 'O Canada' inked on my body, but I had never matched the pride Otabek had held in his voice when he talked about wanting to develop a skating program in Kazakhstan.

"He came close." Yuri was nodding, but the calm look on his face seemed out of place.

"He wanted to get a medal for Kazakhstan …"

"I'm going to do that for him. I miss Europeans, or … I guess four continents this year and I miss worlds, but next year, I'm entirely eligible."

"Will your citizenship be finalized in time?" This was short notice, and I knew how long those things could take. My parents were ice dancers, and so many people switched countries in that discipline.

"Yeah. It's …" Yuri almost laughed, as he shook his head. "We were going to … we … Beka and I had gotten an apartment near the rink. I've been living in Almaty for a while. I skated at Yakov's rink enough to have pictures of social media, but I've secretly been in Almaty for a while. We …" Yuri paused, sitting up straighter as he suddenly changed his tone slightly. "Can I tell you something?" Yuri looked over at me and for the first time, there was nervousness in the pain showing in those eyes.

"Of course."

"We got married last summer."

"What?" I sat up straighter, looking at Yuri. My brain was racing as I tried to decide if I had heard that right.

"Just before the season started. We … we didn't want to tell people because we were going to have a party and everything once the season was over. We just … one day. Beka never did anything like that. He always was such a planner, but we were just taking a day off. We had gone to this park, and it was absolutely beautiful. He asked me, and of course, I said yes. I mean -- what reason would I have to say no?"

This was the first sign of happiness that I had seen from Yuri since the accident. When he talked about Otabek like this, there was still pain, but there was also something more.

Yuri laughed, shaking his head, "But I should have known, this was Beka. Never anything without planning. He had made an appointment at the ZAGS office months before. He had all our paperwork, so … I let him whisk me off on a motorcycle again. His mom was so mad she wasn't there. We promised her a fancy party in the spring, but I am so happy we got married that day."

"I had no idea." I couldn't look away, even as Yuri smiled at the memory, the tears slowly made their way down his face. He was so beautiful, so tragically beautiful, but I had gotten that glimpse of how happy Yuri had been.

"Yakov, Lilia, and Beka's parents knew. Most of his family knows now. Officials know. It … I don't know how to tell other people." Yuri looked over at me, swallowing again, "I want people to know. I don't want it to be a secret"

"Do you want me to help?" This was not what I had planned for today, none of this was, but I couldn't not help. This was the side of Yuri that made it clear to me how Otabek had fallen in love so hard.

Yuri pulled out a chain from around his neck, a silver Russian cross, and a simple gold wedding ring. "I can't wear it with him gone."

"These photos are going to take a little while to upload, let's … I know how to do this. Let's go to your room." I tossed my suit jacket but reached out to help Yuri stand up. As Yuri led the way, I kept my hand on the man's shoulder. Even if Yuri was holding it together right now, I knew how fragile that grip was.

Once we reached the room, I quickly grabbed two things. I carefully set Otabek's jacket down on the bed and then placed the silver medal from Skate Canada on top of it. "Ok, now with the necklace in your hands." Yuri's hands were trembling as I positioned the necklace in them. Then, ring and cross in hand, I took the picture.

It only took a few seconds as a filter was used and the picture cropped a little before I was handing the phone to Yuri, "I just need to text this to you." Ie didn't even have the man's phone number. That changed as I watched Yuri enter it, the tears still falling.

"Thank you. I … I think I'll feel better once …." Yuri trailed off, not even finishing the sentence.

"Anything I can do to help." I sent the photo and I knew he got it right when Yuri started to smile as the tears fell looking at it closer.

It only took a few moments before Yuri was posting:

> We never got the chance to tell everyone together, so now I am doing it alone. This my first medal for Kazakhstan. My husband's burning desire was to skate for his country, and now it is my honor to continue his dream.

Yuri barely managed to hit send before he dropped his phone. That was all he had in him. I moved over, pulling the man close and not caring at all about the fancy dress shirt that was getting cried on. I just stayed there, holding Yuri. There wasn't anything more to say. All I could do was be there for him.

With Yuri's hand curled into fists as he gripped the fabric of my shirt, he cried. He let out everything that had been contained inside of himself until he was left weak and shaking. The entire time, I hadn't said anything. I hadn't tried to shush the man or say anything about things would get better. I just let Yuri cry.

When Yuri was finally finished, I couldn't find it in me to get up. The thought of leaving Yuri alone in every way conceivable right now seemed wrong. I didn't know what to say though. As my mind raced, trying to think of ways to ask to stay the night without seeming to be 'weird' which was always a problem I seemed to have, Yuri simply fell asleep.

With warm arms wrapped around him and his face pressed to my shoulder, Yuri's breathing settled to a slow rhythm. I felt how my shoulders relaxed now that I didn't have to worry about what to say. I just closed my eyes, letting Yuri sleep against me that night. Maybe things would be awkward in the morning, but right now, Yuri needed this.

Art is by [ Lazy Panda 13 ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lazy_Panda13)


	2. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It starts with an email. While Yuri is left with one less secret, JJ's deepens.

I knew the next morning would be awkward, but the fact Yuri had gotten a full night's sleep in what was probably the first time in ages made it all worth it. I hadn't had to explain anything to my parents, just delivering the message about how much Yuri had appreciated the tribute to Otabek.

I needed to get ready for Skate America in two weeks, and Yuri had flown back to Almaty to train for the NHK trophy. How the ISU managed to get him moved from Rostelecom to Japan at the last minute, I didn't even want to think about.

What I didn't expect was for my phone to chirp as I was stretching for my 6 AM run. I especially didn't expect for it to be an email from Yuri.

> >> I found this and thought you'd like to see it.

I paused, sitting on the front step of my parent's house as I opened the email to see an attached video. I already had my earbuds in, prepared to start my running music, so I hit play on the video.

The first sound was Yuri laughing. I knew it had to be an older video, and then I saw who Yuri was filming. Otabek was sitting on the floor in front of a couch with an acoustic guitar in his lap.

"You just keep laughing. If you had a maple dip donut, you would be agreeing with me."

"Oh no, no I would not. There is no way you are going to ask the skating fed to put you in Skate Canada because you need…" Yuri took a deep breath before saying, "A double double and a maple dip" in what had to be the worst combination of a Russian and Canadian accent that JJ had ever heard.

"You mock it now, but every Saturday night, JJ and I snuck off to Timmies to grab coffee and donuts. It was my favorite part of training there."

"How did you sneak? That man's parents are always around." Yuri was laughing so hard the camera angle kept moving.

"We were at 'church'." Otabek even did air quotes around the word. "We would manage to get a copy of the program so his parents thought we were there, but it was so huge, no one noticed we weren't, so we'd run the block to grab coffee and donuts and just have fun until it was time to run back to get picked up by his parents. They never figured it out." This version of Otabek was so expressive.

"You're not Christian!"

"Well, it's not like I went. Besides, the donuts were --"

"I swear to god, I am going to maple dip you!"

As Yuri launched himself over towards Otabek, that was where the video ended. Even after the image faded to black, I couldn't stop looking at that screen. I knew Yuri had told me that Otabek had enjoyed his time here and being with me -- I hadn't realized. I mean, maybe I should have. We had been close enough in age that while he was here we had even gone to school in the same grade. He'd been here for two years, most people didn't realize that.

He'd lived at the house in the guest room on the second floor. I had had my bedroom in the basement and so many nights we had ended up in my room hiding from the other kids. I decided I didn't want to go for that run anymore. Instead, I walked back inside and down the basement steps. After Izzy and I had broken up, I had moved back into my parent's house. I was still in that same bedroom where Otabek and I would hang out and just … talk about everything and nothing.

I had never told him. As I stretched out on the bed, I watched the video again. Otabek was so at home in it, so comfortable. I wanted to pull up our last conversation on my phone. I hadn't deleted his contact, I probably never would. I had never told him, but he had been my first crush. I was a little older, a little taller, and a little better at skating, but he had been so amazing. He had bounced around a bit before he ended up here, and I had never seen anyone work so hard at the rink. Eventually, he started to relax around me, and we'd hang out listening to music. I hadn't known anything about music. If it hadn't been some Christian rock band or something that I heard on the radio station of my parent's mini-van, I didn't know it. That all changed with Otabek.

I had had the worst crush on him. Maybe that explained how things had gone with Izzy. That was a friendship that had turned into more before either of us had even had time to think about if that was what we wanted. It turned out that it wasn't, and maybe that was why the breakup didn't really hurt anymore. Maybe it had never been the break-up that had hurt … she wasn't the one that had me in tears right now. I would have been fine with him with Yuri. I just hadn't been ready for him to be dead.

I hadn't cried over him yet, all the tears before this had been me convinced I was broken-hearted over Izzy, but no -- I missed Otabek so much. I'd give anything to go to Timmie's with him again. He had been so happy though. With tears blurring my vision, I watched the video over and over again. I knew how precious this was. This was a private moment between Otabek and Yuri that was being shared with me.

I didn't think, my fingers replying to the email before I could stop myself.

> >> I miss his laugh so much

The reply wasn't in an email but a text.

> >> He talked about his time in Canada so much, I almost feel like I was there. He really liked it there.
> 
> << I'm glad. He was the closest thing I had to a best friend when he was here -- and way too cool, so I'm sure everyone wondered why he hung out with me.
> 
> >> Because you treated him like Otabek. He felt like he belonged when he was there and that was something he hadn't had in so long. Hearing him talk about you almost makes you more tolerable.

I laughed at that. Even with the tears still drying on my cheeks, I had to laugh. Yuri and I had not gotten off on the best terms. Before I could respond, another message came through.

> >> Sorry to send you something so early. Time zones and all. Good luck at Skate America.
> 
> << Oh, I was awake. Thanks for the video, that was amazing. Good luck in Japan. I look forward to seeing you at the Grand Prix Final.

Maybe that was a little too close to how I had spoken to him back when he was fifteen. I don't know. I did want to see him again. I didn't have a lot of friends. I had people that I was friendly with, but as it turned out, most of my 'friends' ended up being Izzy's friends, so when the breakup had happened, they stopped talking to me. It was nice to have a friend. It had been more than nice to have Yuri sleeping on me though.

We didn't talk again for a little while, not until I had won Skate America. This was turning out to be my year -- that wasn't the first time I had thought that tough. The last time I thought it was my year, I had fallen to pieces at the Final, and Yuri had won gold. Maybe this was my year though. I had been standing in the darkened arena for the exhibition skate, still in my warmup jacket when I felt my phone vibrate. I still had a little time before I went on, so I grabbed it. Maybe it was important -- it was.

> >> Check your email

It wasn't much of a message from Yuri, but I opened my email to see another video. I slipped my earbuds in and hit play. Instantly my eyes were wide. This was a video of Yuri drunk off his ass. The off-key singing was instantly recognizable. This was Yuri about two years ago belting out the lyrics to 'Theme of JJ', and I couldn't help laughing at it. I paused with a soft gasp as I heard Otabek's voice in the video, "Oh like I would ever do that. If I was going to do a song for JJ it would be some shit from Nickelback."

"Ahh, you liked him!"

"Shut up!"

On-screen, Yuri paused, eyes wide as he looked at Otabek. His voice so much softer as he whispered, "You liked him." There was no anger, only a stunned surprise.

"I was sixteen and ninety percent hormones." I could hear the hesitation to admit it in Otabek's voice. "Are you mad?"

"No … I'm not, I'm … happy?"

"Happy?" Now Otabek was clearly confused.

"You went through so much shit when you were finding where to train and all that crap you went through. I'm kinda happy you did the normal thing of having a crush." Yuri looked amazing, drunk, and happy like that. I froze in place, suddenly realizing how I was looking at that man.

"You can not tell him. As long as I'm alive, you can not tell him."

Yuri laughed harder at that, "Yes, yes. I will wait until your funeral and get up there and be all, Dearly beloved, Beka used to wack it to JJ's ass."

"Yuratchka! No! I swear. He was nice. I was figuring out I liked boys. Nothing happened."

"It's fine! You could have had sex with him and I wouldn't be upset. You had a crush on a boy years before we started dating. I'm not crazy, that's fine!" Yuri was laughing as he stretched out on the couch and tilted his head, "You got a lot more action once you had a crush on someone that actually liked boys though."

"Yura…" As Otabek's voice dropped most of an octave, the attraction in that tone was unmistakable -- and when the video ended.

I was left there stunned as the ice dance couple was finishing their exhibition. I didn't respond to Yuri right then, but that was … I hadn't expected that.

I regretted never having said anything, but we were both so young and I hadn't fully realized I didn't just like girls. It would have been a mess had we known at the time, but it was still something that could have been. Instead, though, we had had a friendship that I wouldn't trade for anything. As I reached the center of the ice, I paused, looking up to where the flags of every nation competing were hung. It only took a second to find that pale blue flag. I raised my arm, pointing to the Kazakhstan flag. A six-week course in sign language had mostly been forgotten, but I remembered 'I love you.' Pointing to me, crossing my arms, then pointing back to the flag, I mouthed the words. Yuri wasn't here, but that didn't mean I was going to let people forget that Otabek wasn't with us anymore. Tonight I was skating my exhibition for him.

When I got off the ice, there were not only Canadian flags being held, but that light blue filled the stands as well. I missed him so much. The message from Yuri was in my text messages.

> >> I saw that. He'd have loved that. Thank you for keeping the secret with me.
> 
> << Of course. I miss him so much.

I did. I had another secret though, and this was one I couldn't tell Yuri. I couldn't tell him how beautiful he was, how strong, how amazing … Of all the people to fall in love with, Yuri was the worst choice possible. I didn't have a choice though. I was falling and there was nothing I could do.

> << Now you just have to do good at the NHK and I'll see you at the finals.
> 
> >> Of course. I'm going to try to get some sleep.

I almost said good night and shoved the phone into my pocket -- I didn't though. It was late in Khazakstan. It was long past when Yuri should have been asleep, and how he had added the 'try' there raised every alarm bell.

> << I'll text you when I get back to my room. If you can't sleep still we can talk?

I actually thought this was a normal thing to say, it wasn't, but Yuri didn't seem to react poorly. I didn't want to go to the banquet. I wanted to race back to the hotel and talk to him.

> >> Yeah. Hopefully, I'll be asleep, but if not, that sounds good.

Everything seemed to take forever, and I only had two hours before I was supposed to be at the banquet, but as I stripped out of my clothes, I sent the text.

> << Did you fall asleep?
> 
> >> I wish :(

I hit dial even as I stripped to my boxers. If I used speaker, I could have my hands free.

"Hey …" Yuri's voice sounded so exhausted when he picked up the phone.

"Hey, Yuri. I wanted to thank you for the video, but, well, now I'm more worried about you." I was worried about him, and I knew this was a thinly veiled excuse to talk to him. When he was tired, his accent was so much thicker and I loved it.

"I just thought you should know."

"I never told him I had a crush on him back when he was out here."

I could hear the laugh from Yuri and then the shift of a bed, "You had a crush on him?"

"You say that like you didn't think he was the coolest person to ever exist, too." I didn't know why I was telling him this. Maybe I wanted him to feel less alone, but if I was honest with myself, it was probably more that I didn't want to feel alone.

When Yuri answered, he sounded happier. "He showed up when I was fifteen in leather and on a motorcycle. Yeah, he was the coolest. It's just … hard. This is going to sound so stupid." Yuri paused for a moment before speaking, but it was clear he was choosing his words carefully. "We were very private. For a lot of reasons, we were private, but … you don't realize how isolating that is until it's just too much. So, you and your parents reaching out like that, opening up about how you and your family felt, putting together that tribute … it really made me feel less alone."

I wanted to say, 'Come here. You can train here. You don't have to be alone.'. Instead, with my voice a soft whisper, all I could say was, "You can call me, text me, email me any time you want."

"Thank you. It … when I told you about the marriage and then you helped me tell the world, that felt so good. The secrets are just so heavy, and, now tonight, I have one less." Yuri almost laughed, maybe in another reality it would have been happiness. "I need to try to sleep. Maybe I will be able to now."

"I hope you get rest. If you need anything, I'll be stuck at that stupid banquet for a few hours and an excuse to take a call would not be any hardship."

"I will. Thank you, Jean."

As Yuri hung up the phone, I was left there staring at the screen showing the call had ended. No one had called me just 'Jean' in so long … Otabek had been the last one.

I got dressed for the banquet, trying to convince myself of the lie that I was not developing feelings hard and fast for Yuri, but as the night went on and he didn't call, I knew that was a lie.


	3. Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't be jealous, maybe I could have been of anyone else, but Otabek … Otabek deserved Yuri. Yuri deserved Otabek to be alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for joining me on this trip through this story.
> 
> Comments and Kudos are really appreciated.
> 
> It looks like this will be finished on time, I am most of the way though chapter 6, so posting on time every day this week looks very possible.

The silence from Yuri didn't last. It wasn't every night, but it was enough that I had grown to know the timezone of Almaty without having to look it up on my phone. I wasn't thinking about Izzy anymore. No, I was thinking about Yuri too much -- so much too much.

When he reached the hotel for the NHK, everything changed. That was when the phone calls became an every-night thing. The night before his short program, that was the night I learned that Yuri snored. Not loudly, just a soft muffled noise. We had been talking about that day and the competition two hours after he had taken something to fall asleep when finally his words had trailed off. It was the middle of the day for me, but I still stayed on the phone for another hour, just listening. I was still trying to convince myself this was just something friends would do for each other.

I stayed up in the middle of the night to watch Yuri skate. I was so worried that he wouldn't make the Grand Prix. Only the top 6 skaters would, and he had a second-place from Skate Canada to start with. If he got third, I would be sure he was in. If he got fourth … it would be so unlikely.

The change to Kazahkstan wasn't last minute this time, and the difference in the crowd was clear. There was a noticeable anti-Yuri contingent in the crowd, every move the man made on ice accompanied by boos instead of cheers. I always did my best on the ice, but as I heard them boo Yuri, I wished I had taken second. If Yuri had a first this competition would mean so much less.

Whatever worries I had didn't manifest. As I watched, Yuri's program was better than at Skate Canada. His jumps were perfect. A Quad Salchow and a Quad Toe, Triple toe for his combo. When the scores were put up, they weren't what they should be. I had my computer up trying to get to the score sheets -- and what I saw infuriated me. Yuri Plisetsky never got a 7.5 in skating scores. When there were 2 judges with 7.5s and -2s on GOEs, and the rest of the judge sheets were 9.5s with +3s, you knew there was a problem before you even made sure those judges were from Russia.

Even with those scores, he was in first place after the short. I wanted to call him. I wanted to rant about how unfair it was. To see scores that obviously political was infuriating. I had never been this mad about scoring. Then again, I had never had a major federation out to get me.

I knew I wasn't going to get anything done today. I just did things around the house, checking my phone every five minutes to make sure I hadn't missed a call.

It didn't happen, instead, my phone beeped with a text.

> >> Ha! I knew that was going to happen. I thought they'd tank me even more, but if the rumors are true, they're actually being investigated. We'll see what happens tomorrow. I'll call you tonight like normal.

I had expected rage. I had expected tears. I hadn't expected this. Maybe I should have. Yuri was no stranger to how things worked in this sport. That night, when Yuri called, he was happy. It made sense. Before long, he had gone to sleep, leaving the phone still on as I heard the gentle noises of his breathing. Tomorrow would be another day, one step closer to seeing him at the grand prix final.

I stayed up late, watching the non-Russian contingent of Yuri's Angels eviscerate the rest. I'd seen the vitriol from those fans directed at my own, but I'd never seen them go after other Angels with the ferocity of that night.

By morning, it was clear that Yuri hadn't lost all his Russian fans. My appreciation for swearing in Russian had also increased because that fight online had gotten vicious. All I could do was tweet out a few pictures of Yuri and me from various events with a few words of support -- but I had to make what side of this I was on obvious.

The ISU made their position very clear just before the men's free event started. The two judges that had spurred the controversy yesterday were replaced with 'alternates'. My worries about Yuri not making the final were a little less, but the crowd couldn't be controlled the same way.

I don't know why I had thought Yuri would fall apart at the booing, it only seemed to make him stronger. When he skated out to warm up for his short program and the fans in the stands were booing, he skated right up to the board to gesture for 'more'. Nothing shook his look of confidence as they booed louder. He just smirked and skated off to do one of his both arms up triple axels punctuating that they were not going to hurt him. I couldn't have been more proud as I watched. I would have never taken that aggressive of a route, but damn was I impressed.

The actual program was good, better than Skate Canada by a little as well. He had a hand down on a quad Lutz and had to throw a combo in later in his program, but it was such a small error -- more than offset by one of the jumps that had been a triple becoming a quad today.

I wasn't positive it would be a first, but I couldn't pull away from my laptop as I watched Yuri reach down to pull a plush animal off the ice. It took a moment to realize that it was one of the bears that Otabek's fans had always thrown for him. My vision blurred as I tried not to get emotional while watching Yuri put his skate guards on and then carry Otabek's Khazakstan jacket and the bear over to the kiss and cry.

It was a season's best and enough to put him into first. I was pretty confident that the one remaining skater wouldn't beat that score. No matter what, Yuri was going to be at the grand prix final. It was only a few weeks until I could see him again.

That night, another picture was posted to Yuri's social media. This time the medal was gold, but the backdrop was still Otabek's Olympic jacket. 

> |My first gold medal for Khazakstan. I am going to give it to his mother when I get home.

Home. I let out a soft sigh. Yuri's home wasn't Russia anymore, and it hadn't been for a while. He was able to be honest about where it was now, and something about that just made me worry less about him.

When my phone rang a few minutes later, I had expected it. I had to go to the rink later, but the next however long Yuri needed was for him. Before Yuri went to sleep, he told me about Otabek's mother. He told me all the stories of how loving the woman was and how she doted on her children -- even the son-in-law that he was.

It was so good for Yuri to have a home. I could hear the emotion when he talked about Otabek's family. It was the first time I had heard anything like that from him, that wistful longing of going back there. He listened to me talk about my family, falling asleep sometime in the middle of a story about the Christmas my grandmother accidentally put whip cream in the potatoes instead of sour cream.

I had not missed how he had mumbled, "Maybe I should visit." when he was so tired it was possible he was already asleep when he said it.

Nothing much changed over the next weeks. We talked every night -- well, night for him. I kept wishing it was later for me, but the difference in time zones was just too much to let my bedtime match his. That all changed when I set foot in Las Vegas. The finals were in America this year, so the difference in time zones for me was almost nothing. Two hours was not nearly enough to cause any trouble. With how it was just a quick direct flight, normally I might have flown in late -- not this year. This year I was at the hotel eight hours before Yuri's flight was scheduled to land. 

He was on what had to be the most hellish flight I had ever heard of, but I hadn't ever paid enough attention when Otabek had talked about making the trip. It was over a day. He had had to fly to Dubai, then from there to Seattle. He was still on that stretch. He'd said he'd text me when he landed there, but then he still needed to get on the third leg of the flight and drop down to Las Vegas. My own flight was nothing in comparison.

I had checked in and unpacked, hanging my costumes up in the closet before my phone buzzed.

> >> Flying sucks. Waiting for the last plane to board. So tired.
> 
> << You didn't sleep on the transpacific flight?
> 
> >> I can't sleep while moving anymore.

I almost asked why -- then I realized. It had to be because of Otabek's accident and right now Yuri didn't need me making it worse.

> << Text me when you're close and I'll help you through check-in. 

It was all I could think to offer. I could get him checked in and make sure he got to his room without any problems. I'd get him some room service while he got ready to sleep and then leave him in good shape to recover a bit for tomorrow. It would only be about six in the evening when he got to the hotel. He could get plenty of sleep before the first official practice day.

> >> You are wonderful. I have coffee now and they're boarding soon. Not much longer.

I almost let myself believe that he meant it was a not much longer until he could see me, but I knew it was a not much longer until he could sleep. 

I would never admit how I tracked Yuri's flight and then waited for his text after I knew he had landed safely. When finally the message that he'd be at the hotel any minute arrived -- and had three typos, I hurried down to the lobby. I was right. He looked exhausted. Even with a small band of his fans calling out to him, Yuri barely managed to wave. The sunglasses did nothing to hide how tired he were.

I had his bags before he could object and helped him over to the front desk. "I'll carry your stuff up to your room."

"I'd say you don't have to but…" Yuri just shook his head, taking the offer as he started to present his identification to the hotel. 

It didn't take long. The credit card was handed over and soon Yuri had his key. His room was on the tenth floor, mine was on the eighth. "Are you hungry?"

"I am so tired that I think I would actually be sick if I ate."

I didn't like that answer. There wasn't much I could do though as we walked to the elevator. "Will you be okay in your room?"

"I'm not going to sabotage your --"

"That was not a yes. We only have practices and press conferences tomorrow anyways. I have an extra bed. I don't want you to be alone when you're this tired." That was a lie. I didn't want him to be alone period. I had been waiting for his arrival and wanting to see him more than I dared to admit to myself.

Maybe I expected some sort of a fight. What I didn't expect was for Yuri to just lean against me and nod. I dragged all his stuff to my room, still somehow finding a free hand to help him through the doorway. "Let's get you changed into something more comfortable."

"I feel gross. I'm just going to real quick get a shower." He was looking at his bags as if trying to figure out what he needed before he reached into one to pull out a pair of black sweatpants with some athletic company logo on them. "Is that okay?"

"Of course. Do you need anything else?" He didn't look like he was in any condition to go digging for hair care products or whatever else guys that looked like him used.

"I'm fine… ohh, towel is in there?"

"Yeah, of course." I wasn't thinking. I was walking with him, keeping a hand on his elbow as I guided him into the bathroom making sure he knew where the towels were and turning the water on for him, and setting the Handel to where I knew from earlier it would be a good temperature.

"Jean, you are amazing." The exhaustion permeated every word. "I don't know what I would have done …"

"Shush, you would have toughed through it. I'm just happy I could make things a little easier." I didn't leave before he pulled off his shirt. I did leave before he pulled off his pants. I leaned on the wall outside the bathroom. I was being stupid. He just saw me as a friend. He had lost his  _ husband _ for Christ's sake. He didn't need to or want to get involved with me.

I had known I had a crush, of course, I had realized it. Until I stood outside that door waiting for him to finish his shower, I hadn't realized how bad it was. I needed to get this under control. He was a friend. I could be a friend. It didn't matter how attractive he was, he was my friend. I wanted to be there for him, not just romantically, but just because it was him.

When the shower ended, I heard him stumble stepping over the side of the tub. "You okay?"

"Yeah -- I'm fine. Just one minute…"

Half-assed did not begin to describe the attempt to dry off from the shower, but those sweatpants had been pulled on, and I was decidedly not looking at his hipbones. No, I didn't need to look. The brief glimpse I had allowed myself would be seared onto my memory forever. I was grabbing his arm though, walking over with him to the other bed, "Let's just get you in bed."

"Lie down with me?" He jerked, eyes wide for a second after saying that. "Just for a minute, until I fall asleep?"

"Of course." Maneuvering him into the bed was almost like moving a dead weight at times, and I knew he'd be asleep quickly, but if he wanted me there -- no, I wasn't doing this out of some noble self-sacrifice. I wanted to be there. I desperately wanted to be there.

It took only minutes before he was stretched along by side, his head resting on my shoulder with those wet locks ticking my arm. His breathing had evened out almost instantly, but his leg had moved, trapping mine with his and his hand was against my T-shirt. Maybe I could have gotten away. I was almost positive he was asleep. Instead, I just reached over to turn the lamp off and let my other arm curl around him. Yes, it was hours earlier than I had intended to go to sleep, but this was too perfect to not just let happen.

As I closed my eyes, I felt his heart beating against my chest and his breath on my shoulder. I couldn't have him, but maybe I could give enough of myself to make his life just a little easier -- even for just one night.

I knew I could only have what I wanted in my dreams. I had seen the videos. I had heard the tone in his voice. I had felt a fraction of that love towards Otabek, and I wasn't anywhere close to over it. I knew Yuri hurt. There wasn't any room in that broken heart for me. I closed my eyes, the only place I could have what I desired was in my imagination, and tonight's dreams would be aided by having him so close.

There was no denying how I felt. This was more than protective, more than friendship -- I knew because I had used those same thinly veiled excuses to be close to Otabek years ago. I wasn't thinking as I softly placed a kiss on those wet blond locks. One stolen moment wouldn't hurt him, but I knew how much it hurt me to know it was only for a moment. Maybe in my dreams, I could heal that man's pain, but in reality, even in this dark hotel room, I knew I was helpless to make Yuri actually feel any better.

I managed to fall asleep, Yuri close to my side. If anyone saw me, they would think … oh, I knew what they would think and I so desperately wanted it to be true, but it wasn't.

* * *

I woke up ridiculously early while Yuri was still sound asleep. We had moved some during the night and I wasn't sure how Yuri had ended up curled up on his side like that, but the tight grip the man had on my arm made it very clear my arms around him were not unwanted. Maybe it was how much more slight Yuri's build was, but with legs tucked up and back slightly curved, Yuri pressed against me perfectly to be encompassed in my embrace. This was perfect.

There was no way to move without risking waking up Yuri, and it was much too early in the morning to do that. The sun wasn't even lighting the sky outside the window, but I couldn't sleep any longer. It took a little shifting, my phone's media volume muted as I scrolled through the messages to reread the ones from Yuri. Every phrase that almost seemed like Yuri wanted to see  _ me _ was revisited. If only that was what this was. Long-distance with Yuri, hotel nights after long airplane rides, stolen moments at the competition, all were the provenance of our fans' imaginations when it came to what was between us. No, I wasn't delusional. I knew there weren't any fans who thought we were together. The JJ girls and the Angels mostly thought we still hated each other, even with how I had defended Yuri after the NHK cup incident.

I was looking down at Yuri when he finally shifted a few hours later. Those beautiful green eyes opened as he looked up at me in confusion for a moment before he blinked to shift some more. "Hey."

There was a pause, and I needed to convince myself there wasn't a softness to that look. "Morning." Then suddenly Yuri's eyes were wide, "I am so sorry." He had a hand over his mouth, "I haven't seen my toothbrush in …" He paused looking up at me but with a look of concentration.

"Do you want help digging it out or do you want to use mine?" OK, maybe offering my toothbrush wasn't the most normal of options.

"It should be in my carry-on. My toothpaste is someplace in my checked bag."

I just smiled, getting out of bed to help Yuri go through his suitcases, and not saying a single word about how part of my hotel room was getting more and more covered in his things. I didn't mind. Hell, I wouldn't mind if Yuri didn't go to his room at any point this week.

The peace couldn't last though. There were press conferences and practice skates. There would be photos and paperwork and drawing our starting positions. We needed to get ready and get to doing what we were both here to achieve. The gold medal was both of our goals, no matter how I wanted to protect Yuri, I still wanted to beat his score.

I stayed close when I could. Breakfast at the restaurant, the draw for positions, and the press conference. However, I had to do practice when I was scheduled. I was distracted for all of it. Yuri was in the other group. We had separate interviews as well. With the crazy schedule, I didn't see him as much as I wanted. 

Tomorrow, Yuri would be skating last and I would be skating first. Tonight, he was walking back with me to the hotel, exhausted and hungry.

"Do you want to order room service?" All of his things were still in my hotel room and having dinner there would add a little more to this time where I could imagine we were something more.

"Yeah, I'm too exhausted to go anywhere." Yuri actually smiled at that before adding, "But thank you. Getting some actual sleep without having to take anything, well, it's been a while."

"It was nice." I knew this was my chance. Yuri didn't have to leave. If staying with me wasn't hurting him, I had to ask, "Do you want to stay?"

Yuri's smile at that was a clear yes, but that smile -- something about it made me think. I knew this wasn't what I wanted it to be, but I couldn't imagine him smiling like that at anyone that wasn't a friend. "Yeah, that would be nice. Sleep and not having to repack?"

The second night together went the same, curled into each other with my arms wrapped around Yuri's bare torso. Normally before a competition, I had a hard time falling asleep as I ran through my program in my head. Instead, my thoughts were only about the man in my arms and how much I wanted this.

Maybe if less of my concentration had been on Yuri and the competition, I would have noticed that rumors had started about us. Maybe no one was thinking we were lovers, but the closeness had been noticed. I didn't know, I was too busy trying to keep track of where I needed to be and where Yuri was at the same time. When it was finally time for the short program, I had helped zip Yuri's costume. We were all on the ice for warmups at the same time. I had to pay attention to me, not to him -- and I hated it. I was first to skate, so soon I would be able to think of him again.

The warm-up seemed so much shorter than six minutes, but I knew it was the same amount of time that it always was. I wasn't alone though. Even though my parents hadn't been able to attend at the last minute. Yuri was there, standing at the boards by my skate guards as he handed me a bottle of water from my bag. "You have this. I know you have this."

My heart flipped. To have Yuri like that all the time would be better than any dream I had ever had. I had to turn away though, but my smile was anything but fake. I really loved him. With that realization fresh, I took my starting pose for my short program. I poured all those feelings into the program, desperately wanting to impress Yuri. When my score was a new season's best, I knew I had done that.

Later, I was there for Yuri's short program, at the boards to help and cheer him on. I didn't pay attention to rumors. I was busy, not only was it the Grand Prix Final, but I had Yuri to distract me at all other times. That night I didn't have to ask him to stay, it just happened. The night after, a gold medal and a silver medal tossed on a nightstand, I fell asleep with Yuri in my arms again.

The morning came all too soon, our last full day in Las Vegas. Tomorrow morning we would both be getting onto planes to be half a world away from each other again -- but we were just friends.

The exhibition skate was perfect. Yuri had told the press it was his final tribute to Otabek. No one had expected this though -- especially me. I knew how devastated Yuri still was from that death, ending the tributes didn't seem possible to me. Maybe other people thought it was time. Maybe Yuri felt people were tiring of the tributes. Either way, it was perfect, Yuri's last skate was Otabek's Olympic free skate. I had had no idea Yuri's plans had been something so ambitious. I was proud of him as I saw him manage it. It was clear the program was hard for him. Yuri and Otabek had always had such distinct skating styles. In the end, Yuri was left panting, but the cheers were loud and that pale blue flag could be seen in the darkened arena. I was so proud of him.

After the exhibition, everything was chaotic. There were so many delays from not wanting to brush off fans and press, so by the time we got back to my room, we were running so late. There wasn't any time to talk about anything. All we could do was get cleaned up and changed as fast as we could for tonight. I was the first one finished. Yuri was still in the bathroom doing something or other with his hair as I finally had a chance to take a breath and not rush around. We weren't going to be late because of me, but I wasn't sure if we were going to be on time. Yuri's suit coat was still on the bed, and as I looked at it, I couldn't help looking at the plush bear next to the pillow. I picked it up, I knew it was probably a bad idea, but it had been a perfect tribute, and I knew this one wasn't going to be donated like so many of the other plush were. This bear was dressed in a meticulously recreated version of Otabek's Olympic costume. The white and pale blue jacket with all the silver trim that had been so eye-catching at the last game was in bear form. Otabek hadn't won a medal - he had come so close. A fourth-place had been the highest placing in the games for Kazakhstan, but it hadn't been a medal, and I knew how much that had meant.

I was still holding the bear, trying not to let my mind wander to how much I missed Otabek. I wasn't a popular skater, well not with the other skaters. I knew why. Of course I know why. I tended too often to be a dumbass and saying things that sounded so much better in my head but when actually said were … there wasn't any use beating myself up for the past. Since my breakup with Izzy, how alone I had been really had become clear. I wasn't alone now though.

I looked up as Yuri walked out and whatever I was going to say died in my throat as I looked at him. Yuri had always looked amazing in white. The all-white suit was offset with a light blue vest, exactly matching the blue in his adopted countries flag. Even tonight, it was a statement about who he was skating for now. No one would be allowed to forget. No one would be allowed to forget how Yuri loved Otabek. I wouldn't be allowed to forget. I couldn't be jealous, maybe I could have been of anyone else, but Otabek … Otabek deserved Yuri. Yuri deserved Otabek to be alive.

"You look amazing." The comment was out of my mouth, so much less than what I had wanted to say, but Yuri still smiled at it.

"Thank you. How late are we?"

"Still in people are arriving and mingling time. It's fine. We medaled, no one is going to not let us in a few minutes late." I was smiling brightly, trying to make it seem like it was no big deal, and it shouldn't be. Everything was such a big deal right now though, every glimpse of him twisted my heart and made me wish for more than what I had. 

It was only a quick trip by elevator to the ballroom, but getting from the elevator to the door turned out to be more of a process. Press photos, questions, officials, so many people slowing this down. We weren't that late, and it didn't even stop to think how it looked that we both arrived together, walking off the same elevator, and both noticeably, but not inexcusably late.

At the door, we had to part ways. The tables were divided by country, and I was over in the Canadian corner while Yuri was seated with the other former soviet union states, which was noticeably not near the Russian tables, and that hadn't been a thing that was done since shortly after the fall of the soviet union, but putting Yuri near the Russian tables was just asking for trouble.

I kept looking over there through dinner and all the more official parts of the event. As soon as it was socially acceptable, I was about to go and see how Yuri was when I saw him walking towards me.

"Drinks?"

It didn't take more of an invitation than that before I left behind the rest of Team Canada to walk with him to the bar. Leaning against the bar and drinking turned to laughing and talking as the lighting in the room changed and people started to dance to fast-paced music. We'd ended up in a dimmer corner, drinks still in hand as we talked about skating as kids. I was doing most of the talking when I saw the glimpse of sadness on Yuri's face. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I just -- it sounds wonderful. I used to be so mad at you. I mean, your mom and your dad both at competitions? Otabek's parents couldn't make most of his."

"What about yours?" Yuri never talked about any of his family except his grandfather. I had wanted to ask, and I had searched the internet, but I had never gotten real answers. I knew they were alive.

"I don't want to talk about them, not tonight. I … I'm having a good night. I'll talk about Otabek's, they're wonderful. His mother would be mad at me calling her that, she has insisted since the beginning that I just address her as if she were my mother." He smiled, even though it was so clear how much pain that had to bring up. "I don't want to be sad tonight?" He glanced to where people were dancing, the music had slowed down, "Can we dance instead?"

I couldn't say no. I wouldn't say no. Nodding, I took his hand, the glasses of alcohol left behind and forgotten as I led him closer to the music. He fit against me as well as he did at night. His arms over my shoulders and mine on his waist, holding him as we moved to the music. I wasn't paying attention to anyone else. The music faded into the background as I looked into Yuri's eyes.

Yuri was beautiful, but that didn't begin to explain. The strength, resilience, caring -- the depths of him that I had been so privileged to see over the past months were inextricably woven into that beauty. There was no hope to not fall in love with him. I had fallen so very hard. The knowledge he would never be mine made it hard to breathe, my chest tightening at the thought of saying goodbye to him tomorrow morning. I wouldn't see him again until the next season. He couldn't compete at the Four Contients or Worlds … it would be months. My steps faltered as I realized how long it was going to be until I could have him in my arms again when he moved. As his arms tightened around my neck, he moved to the tip of one foot to brush his lips against mine.

All time stopped. My heart was pounding in my head making it impossible to think. I only realized I had whispered anything after the words had already left my lips and I was seeing Yuri smile. His lips parting as he answered the words I still hadn't processed yet, "I know you do. I love you too."

Everything crashed down on me, relief awash in guilt and worry, but wrapped in euphoria -- Yuri loved me.


	4. Seperation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How can it take so long for one plane trip from Las Vegas to Almaty .... and all the things that happen during it.

The next morning, I woke up to sudden movement and swearing. My brain barely had time to register that once again I had had Yuri curled up against me as I slept, but my still kiss swollen lips proved it had been a much different night. The sun was up and some part of my brain was telling me that was a bad thing, but I couldn't process at first as I watched Yuri literally throw his clothes into his suitcase as he threw on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt that had been on the floor from the day before -- then I realized, "Shit!" I fumbled around for where my phone had fallen to the floor -- dead. The clock radio showed 9 AM. "What time is your flight?"

"Eleven." He was grabbing his passport and his hastily packed bags. 

"If you forgot anything I'll mail it to you." This was cutting it tight for him. The airport would be busy today with people leaving the event, but maybe it wouldn't be more than they could handle. I hoped so.

Then, my confirmation it hadn't been a dream was a very hasty kiss that didn't last a fraction as long as I needed before Yuri was running out the door.

I collapsed back onto the bed, my head spinning as I realized how much we had drunk last night -- but that kiss this morning wasn't from alcohol. My plane was scheduled for ten, there was no human way to make it, and I knew there was a later flight at three I could take. I plugged my phone into the charger and turned it on, ignoring all the missed messages for the moment. It only took a few clicks to change my ticket. Before I told my parents I'd be getting in later, I dug out some Tylenol. My head was killing me.

Last night was a blur. The dancing at the event had gotten closer and closer and there was no way that no one else had seen the kissing. I think I kept it decent. Other people didn't keep things decent at those events, but I was pretty sure I had. Well, that I had at the event. By the time we were in the elevator my hands had found Yuri's ass and I don't think they left there until I passed out.

We had made it back to the room and collapsed in bed still in our clothes. After that everything was just fuzzy.

I pulled off my rumbled suit as I walked into the bathroom. If Yuri's phone was as dead as mine, I wouldn't know if he made his plane until his first connection at the earliest. Worst case, if I remembered right, it would be over twenty-four hours before his flight landed in Almaty. If he could get a charge on his phone before the first flight that would be best, but he was cutting it so close. Then I saw his charger still plugged in to the wall socket and resigned myself to not hearing from him until tomorrow.

I tossed my phone to speaker to call my dad, he was the one who was going to pick me up at the airport. As I waited for him to pick up, I started to pack my own suitcase and set all of Yuri's things he had forgotten to one side.

"JJ?" There was worry in his voice -- never a good sign.

"I overslept, so I bumped my ticket back to the next flight. I'll be landing at nine. If that's going to be too late for you --"

"No, nine is fine. We tried to call you this morning."

"I forgot to charge my phone last night." That was a true statement. A lot of things had happened last night, and I really didn't want to get into them right now over the phone.

There was a pause before my father lowered his tone, "We saw the pictures." 

I froze. Had I done anything I hadn't remembered. I didn't think I had been drinking that much. It had been a lot of kissing and slow dancing, nothing … nothing indecent. "Pictures?"

"Of you and Yuri?" The reluctance to discuss this was clear in his voice.

Part of me wanted to just grab my phone and search for what people were looking at and what they were saying. I didn't, I couldn't do anything about it and I was waiting for Yuri's plane to take off to grab a shower. If he tried to call or text, I wanted to be able to respond right away. Even if it was so unlikely with his charger still on my bed. "Oh -- I haven't seen anything yet."

"Were you going to tell us?"

There it was, the guilt I was expecting. I loved my parents, I really did. However, even since the Grand Prix Final where I had fallen apart, they had hovered more. "About Yuri?"

"Of course about Yuri. There are pictures all over social media of the two of you kissing and slow dancing." The frustration my father was trying to hold back started to slip out.

"It's complicated." I needed to think of what to say. This wasn't the easiest thing to explain, especially with how little Yuri and I had talked about what this was last night. Aside from the confession at the banquet, I don't think any more coherent words had been exchanged, let alone a talk about what this all meant.

"Complicated?"

"Dad, I just need a little time to sort things out. We overslept, Yuri is trying to make his flight, but his phone is dead so I don't know if he got to the airport on time. I need to talk to him about everything before I …" I trailed off, I didn't want to say before I knew if there was anything between us, but it was true. I didn't know what this was at all. Did he want more? I knew I did, I had desperately wanted more for a while though.

I could hear my father's sigh over the phone. "JJ, just be careful. You know I love you. We will need to address this, but get your head together, get packed up, and get home. I'll be at the airport to pick you up, just send me your new flight information?"

"I will dad. I will. I'll send you that information in a minute. Love you."

"Love you, too." With the words still echoing in my head, I ended the call so I could text him the new flight information. The words clung to me though. Yuri had said he loved me.

The time for Yuri's flight to depart came and went. I waited an extra thirty minutes to be safe before I grabbed a shower. As I left for the airport, I looked completely calm and put together. I didn't feel that way though as I walked past not just fans but also press as I left the hotel to get into a taxi to the airport. I ignored the shouted questions about Yuri. I especially ignored the shouted questions about Otabek.

I should have checked social media before leaving the hotel -- it was too late now. Once I was in the cab, it was only a short drive to the airport, and I knew not enough time to try to figure out what was going on. I resisted the temptation, the last thing I needed was half the story. It was better to not have any of the story and just not say anything until I had time to actually figure things out.

I made it through customs. An extra phone charger, three extra socks, an extra pair of sweatpants and a black hoodie that I was near positive was Yuri's were not enough to put my suitcase overweight. Even if they had, it wouldn't have mattered. In case Yuri had been able to charge his phone on the flight somehow, I sent him a message.

> >> At the airport, landing at 9 pm eastern.

With a fancy coffee in hand, I settled into my seat on the plane. Plane wi-fi was expensive, but the twenty-five dollars was worth it to have the next six hours to be able to figure out what had happened.

By the time the plane landed, I had some answers, but more questions.

The pictures were from the banquet. Well, most of the pictures were. There appeared to be seven different pictures circulating of the dancing. All of them were very similar though. My arms were on Yuri's waist, his arms around my neck and we were kissing. 

One was different, it was a moment where Yuri had leaned in to rest his head on my shoulder. The pictures weren't scandalous though. Even taking a deep dive into the JJGirl discussion boards, I hadn't found any other pictures from last night. I did discover the conspiracy theory. The pictures of Yuri and I close to each other through the week were all posted, and yes, I would agree some of those were hinting that there was something between us.

In retrospect, I could see how things like carrying his bag and cheering him on like that could be taken as signs of a relationship. That wasn't crazy, I could see how they came to those conclusions. When people started going earlier though, that was where it because a lot more tenuous.

Speaking to him at Skate Canada with my mother right there was not exactly the sign of some sort of affair that some fans thought it was. When they went even further back to images of us walking into a room one after another to a press conference -- that was where I had a problem. Nothing had been going on then. When they posted a picture of Yuri, Otabek, and myself at the Grand Prix Final two years ago and I had an arm around Otabek -- that was in no way proof of some sort of secret affair between Yuri and myself.   
  
I wanted to post something. I wanted to yell. I couldn't though because whatever I did would affect Yuri more, and I needed to talk to him first. The flights were making this impossible though ... and his phone situation.

My flight went without any problems. I landed about twenty minutes early and my father was waiting by baggage claim having already grabbed my suitcase from the belt. 

"Great job at the final. Sorry, we had to miss it."

"Some things are more important." I had to laugh at that, but the family was expecting their first grandkid. My oldest sister had been married for two years now and any day I was going to become an uncle. My parents were not going to miss this for anything -- even me winning a gold at the Grand Prix. 

I was quickly rushed off to the minivan. My dad kept it to small talk, mostly about the baby for the first part of the drive, then about forty minutes from the house changed the subject, "So, you're dating Yuri Plisetsky now?"

"I think I am. We … we still need to talk about what this is and what this isn't.

"I see." There was a frown.

"I don't understand why everyone is acting like this is the worst thing I've ever done?" There was too much frustration in the words, I knew it. I was so frustrated, not necessarily at my father, but at people in general. I had found someone I liked and they liked me back, was this really the end of the world?

"How long has this been going on?"

There it was. The big question everyone had and if I stopped to be reasonable, the reason people were upset about this in the first place. Or maybe that wasn't the only reason they were upset.

"We started talking after Skate Canada."

"This year?"

That almost got a reaction that I would be embarrassed about later. "Yes, this year. After the tribute, Yuri was having a rough time and we ended up spending some time together. We ended up talking after that. He sent me some videos and we'd chat."

"Videos?"

"I am going to pretend you did not say that like that. He sent me a video of Otabek talking about how he loved his time here. I miss him, dad. I really do. We used to send music tracks back and forth and share new songs we found."

"I know you and Otabek were close. He was such a good kid. He was always so kind and helpful. Remember how he'd help Jonathan with his homework after school?"

"Pre-Algebra. Beks was really good at math. I think he liked having the kids around. It was hard on him being away from his own family for all those years of training. He had to see them grow up over a few visits and pictures online."

"Did you know he was married?"

I shook my head before answering, "Not until Skate Canada. Yuri … it was tearing him up inside getting all the questions about his 'boyfriend' when Otabek was his 'husband'. He told me about the proposal and getting married. They were going to have a big event over the summer because Otabek's mom really wanted a celebration … and it never ended up happening." I checked my phone again as my voice trailed off. There still wasn't a message from Yuri. I was pretty sure he would be on his second plane by now and somewhere over the Atlantic ocean. Every minute, the plane he was in flew further and further away.

When my dad spoke again, his tone was a lot softer. "When did you start dating?"

"I'm not positive. I think last night." I wish I had a better answer. Had we been dating earlier without saying it? Had I been missing the signs that this was more than a friendship? No, I knew I had intentionally not seen them, and I didn't have a good excuse for it. Friends didn't curl up on each other like that at night. "Last night was the first time he kissed me."

"Are you serious about him?"

I almost answered with 'It's only been a few days', but that was disingenuous at best. I didn't know how serious he was, but I knew how serious I was. "Very. He deserves to be happy. There are some of his fans that are enraged at him for daring to see someone. They expect him to live the life of someone eternally alone and grieving, and Yuri … Yuri deserves so much more than that."

For a few moments my father didn't say anything, then, as he pulled into the driveway, he nodded, "It's not going to be easy. There are a lot of things that need to be considered. He has made enemies with the Russian skating federation. Otabek's fans are loyal to Otabek's memory. Yuri's fans have been tearing each other apart for the past few months so I don't have any idea how to predict that. A lot of your fans…" It was there that he paused and I knew what he was going to say.

"Most of my fans are the JJ Girls, and Izzy was their leader." My fan situation had been complicated. I hadn't lost any sponsors over it, some of them had quietly pulled back a little. I still had the JJ Style line, and that was fine, but I knew how tenuous some other aspects of my skating career were.

"Just be careful and take things slow." As he parked the car, my dad reached out. His hand gripped my shoulder as he pulled me into a hug, "I'm just glad you're home. We love you. Whatever you decide, we love you."

Having his support felt good. It was what I needed. It was what gave me the strength to confidently walk into the house to drag my stuff down to my basement bedroom. The house was pretty chaotic, even this late at night. As my dad started to yell to everyone to get into bed and herded the younger kids to their rooms, I let the relative quiet of the basement surround me. I pulled out my phone, still with no messages. I had Yuri's flight details. It only took a quick search to verify his plane was over the Atlantic Ocean on its way to Budapest before he swapped flights again.

It hadn't even been a day and already I felt like I was counting the hours, but I was. I had his plane track up on my computer, watching that small dot move ever further away from me. I knew I should be helping my dad. With my mom staying with my sister until the baby, it was a lot here for him to be dealing with, and he still had picked me up at the airport. I couldn't tear myself away from that screen. The slow progression of Yuri's flight across the ocean was the only thing I could concentrate on at the moment. I wanted to follow him, and I knew how stupid that was. I knew how much of an overreaction. That didn't change how much it hurt to see him getting further and further away from me.

There were still no messages and I knew I wasn't going to get to sleep until I had at least heard from him. I kept half falling asleep and then being jerked awake, phone clutched in my hand. The plane transfer to the last plane had happened and still no message.

As the sun was rising, my phone started to vibrate and I grabbed it, answering before thinking, "Hello?" It had to be him.

My mother's voice was unexpected, even as she sounded exhausted. "JJ. You're the oldest, you get to come to the hospital first."

It took me a moment to understand, then I gasped, "I'm on my way." For a little, my mind was distracted as I quickly threw on my clothes to rush to the hospital. Balloons and flowers and a plush bear were grabbed from the gift shop before I reached my sister's room. My world suddenly pulled back to Canada and my family -- the constants in my life.

My little niece was perfect. Baby blue eyes and dark hair going every which way on her head as I was able to sit there and hold her as she slept. Love at first sight left me smiling as I promised to be the best uncle I could be for her.

When my phone buzzed with a text message, I carefully reached for it, hoping it was Yuri, but assuming it was family.

> >> Made it home. Lost my charger. I think we need to talk about stuff after I get some sleep?
> 
> << I have your charger, and you need your rest.

I pulled the phone away from me to get a snapshot of me holding my niece in one arm while smiling. I sent it without a second's hesitation.

> << I'm an uncle!
> 
> >> She's gorgeous. 

A photo came to my inbox a few seconds later. The image was Yuri still in a car, holding the phone out to get the woman driving. I recognized her almost instantly. He looked exhausted, but the smile on the woman's face was clear. She looked like she was so happy to have him there.

> >> She's happy for me

Relief washed over me. I knew he didn't mean she was happy about the medal, and instantly I knew that whatever was between Yuri and I was serious enough for him to talk to Otabek's mother about it. Talking to him could wait until tomorrow, right now, everything was perfect.

> << I am so happy, and you look gorgeous, too. Call me when you wake up, miss you.
> 
> >> Miss you too

I put my phone back down, smiling as I looked down at my niece, "I hope you get to meet him soon too." Whatever this was, it was serious and I was so happy.


	5. Fears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In all the social media fall out, one thing remains. Family.
> 
> Plans are made and surprises are put into motion.
> 
> Also, little brothers are SO annoying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to day 5! Two more chapters after this.
> 
> We are looking at staying on schedule since tomorrow's chapter is finished, and the final chapter for Sunday is underway.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this, and I would love to hear from you!

Happy couldn't last forever. It started with a post from Yuri three days later. He posted a picture of himself at the rink in Almaty with his arm around Otabek's younger brother's shoulders. Both of them were in skates. The caption was simple, "Back to training after the GPF. Getting ready for Nationals. It's Temir's first year in seniors!"

It was hard to believe that Otabek's little brother was already old enough to be skating in seniors. He looked a lot like his brother had at that age, maybe an inch or two shorter, but it was hard to judge with Yuri leaning over like that.

It should have been a 'safe' picture. It should have been a cute piece of fluff for social media. In reality, that was the picture that broke the fanbase. I scrolled through message after message. Otabke's fans were going after Yuri for not being worthy of being around Otabek's brother after 'betraying' Otabek by being with me. Yuri's fans went after Otabek's fans for attacking Yuri. My fans went after Otabek's fans for disrespecting me or some such stupidity. It only took a few hours for the initial lines to blur and for all three sides to be attacking each other.

Was this worth it? I kept scrolling through the hate, hoping that Yuri was asleep and missing this. It was about 2 am his time when the first article appeared. An hour later, 'secret affair' was being thrown around.

Russian Nationals were about to get underway, and maybe that contributed to it. Yuri should have been there, would have been there, except now he was skating for a different country. The hit pieces about how Yuri had been over-scored in other years started to fly across the internet. 

It was evening by the time Yuri would be waking up, and I was not at all surprised when my phone rang just before eight at night. Of course, it was Yuri. It was almost Christmas, so none of my brothers and sisters were in school -- it meant I was normally hiding in my room anyway, "Hey. Morning."

Yuri wasn't taking time for his usual greetings, his words blurted out, "Are you okay?"

"I was going to ask you." I was still in the periphery of the attack articles. Most seemed to treat me like some idiot caught by Yuri in whatever deceptive affair he was having.

"I'm okay." Yuri let out a deep breath, "I swear. Fans are just too much work. Mine never liked Beka because they thought he stole me away, then they liked us together, but not really because they still fought with the other fans all the time. After … after the accident, they all calmed down."

"Yuri…" He wasn't okay, I knew he wasn't. I had three weeks until nationals. I didn't have a lot of competition, and I just needed a top-three spot there to still be sent to worlds and the four continents. "Do you want me to fly out there?"

"What?" I could practically see Yuri looking confused at that. Offers of help still confused him, and that broke my heart. Even all those years with Otabek hadn't gotten through to him that people cared.

"I could fly out there for Christmas. I just need a third at nationals, so it isn't like I can't take a week off." I tried to ignore that more than two days of that would be just the plane flights to and from Almaty.

"It's fine. I'll be okay. I promise. Mom decided it wasn't good for me to be alone, so I have Temir living in the guest room. He doesn't mind, my apartment is closer to the rink anyways and it's his first nationals." 

I didn't think Yuri realized what he had said. I knew he wasn't talking about his own mother though. That was exactly what I wanted to hear, that Yuri was happy like that, that he belonged. "It was a good picture of the two of you. I assume he got out of the annoying age where he was obsessed with superheroes?"

That brought honest laughter from Yuri, "No. Not at all. The fights he would have with Beka about what movie to watch, I miss those. He … He wanted to skate to some song from one of those movies and our coach was absolutely not. SO he was all, Well Yura gets to skate to whatever he wants. Our coach shut that down so fast. Evidently, when Temir has as many medals as I have, he too can skate to whatever the hell he wants."

As Yuri was laughing I heard someone yell something in another language, It wasn't Russian, I knew a bit of that. Yuri's response was in English though, "I'm talking to my boyfriend about your crazy superhero obsession, what do you think I'm doing."

It was the first time I had ever heard Yuri refer to me as his boyfriend to someone and it left me feeling so energized, I couldn't explain it if I tried. "Little brothers can be the worst." I tried to hide how tentative I was to say that. He wasn't technically Yuri's brother.

"Oh, I know." Then his voice got a little fainter as if he had put a hand over the phone, "Grab your shower first and I'll start breakfast once I'm off the phone." Then he was back to talking to me. "I'll be okay, Jean. I promise. I have family here, so it's okay. Besides, you have a brand new niece and this is her first Christmas. You know your mother is planning on a huge Christmas with all her kids there."

Yuri wasn't wrong, he wasn't wrong at all. I had to nod, yeah he was right. "If you change your mind --"

"I am fine. I promise. Besides, did you know that there is a chance I'll have family at four continents and a really good reason to be there?" Now there was a tease to his voice.

It only took a few seconds for me to realize, "Temir?"

"Uh-huh. He has the minimums to qualify for Four Continents. He doesn't have them for Worlds, but if he places in the top three, there's a chance they might put him as their Four Continents person and have Miras take a little more time to get ready for Worlds."

I dimly remembered the name of that other Khazahk skater. That man had never approached Otabek's skill, but had been a very consistent second in the country from what I could remember. It made sense. "You think they'll send Temir?"

"Miras has a bad knee, the more recovery the better, and he is the only one who has a chance to skate at Worlds. So saving the wear and tear on him and getting Temir experience at a major competition by sending him to Four Continents makes sense."

Sometimes it was so easy to forget how much Yuri really did know about how skating worked. He was a Russian skater though, I should have known that he would understand the ways federations made these decisions and how nations would optimize not only the current year but future years. "I hope they do, I would love to see you in person." I didn't mean for my voice to drop like it did at that.

"And I would love to keep talking to you when you sound sexy like that." The flirting seemed to come effortlessly to Yuri, unlike my own blushing at this.

"You would?" I closed my eyes at how not exactly smooth that reply was.

That didn't change Yuri's response though, his voice like velvet, "Uh-huh … but," He broke into a soft laugh, "I have a fifteen-year-old boy in the apartment and if I don't start cooking for him soon he'll probably just start eating whatever he can find because he'd a bottomless pit."

"I'll talk to you later?" My face was starting to hurt from smiling. I didn't think I could be this happy with anyone. Even with all the chaos, I was still so happy.

"Of course, love you."

"Love you, too." As I ended the call, it felt right.

A few hours later, just as I was getting ready to go to bed, the internet lit up again. This time the picture was a retweet from an account I didn't recognize at first. The image had Yuri in a new Team Kazahkstan jacket on one side, and Temir on the other in the same jacket. In between, I instantly recognized Otabek's mother. It had to be her account this had been posted on. The caption was very simple, 'Watching my sons prepare for nationals. So proud of both of them.'

It was incredibly clear that the tall, pale blond wasn't biologically hers, but there was no difference in how she had arms wrapped around both of their waists, and the slight tilt of her head to lean against Yuri only made it look more close.

My reply to the post was a 'Best luck to both of you'. Maybe it would cause some drama, but I had to say it. Yuri was right. My mother would want me here for Christmas, and nationals was shortly after that -- however, it was the following weekend that Kazahkstan had their nationals.

The calls and texts continued through Christmas and up to my own nationals. I missed him and I wished he was here, but the time zones somehow ended up working. While I was busy at the rink, he was sleeping. While I was busy at the rink, I was sleeping. Our free time matched up more or less. Well, I started going to sleep a few hours early, but it was worth it to wake up early enough to talk with Yuri before I had to be at the rink.

I had sent him so many pictures over Christmas and he had sent me so many of New Years' with Otabek's family. I missed him, even if talking had turned to video calls. It was almost time to go to Winnipeg for nationals when I was walking around the kitchen with him on the phone, video up as I propped the phone against the coffee pot and dug in the refrigerator for lunch meat. I didn't even notice when my mom walked into the room. Yuri and I were talking about a movie he had watched a while ago and liked, so we were planning on watching it together online once I got to the hotel.

My mother walked right past me, picking up the phone from where I had it on the counter and walking towards the kitchen sink, "Hello Yuri."

I froze. Instantly my mind was racing trying to think of why would she have done that. She knew we were dating, so it wasn't like it was a secret I talked to him. I knew Yuri had no more of an idea than I did, but he was very polite in his, "Hello, Mrs. Leroy." His manners had improved since he had been fifteen. I wasn't sure if his time with Lilia Baronovskaya was the explanation or if it was his time around Otabek's family. Either way, his reply had my mother smiling.

"I wanted to invite you to visit in July. We have a couple of big parties between Canada day and JJ's birthday. He hasn't told me anything about you visiting, so I wanted to make sure someone extended an invitation."

My worries about my parents not really being all right with me dating Yuri started to fade. If he was being invited for the big family holidays, that decidedly meant that they approved of him. What my mother didn't tell Yuri was that in the month of July the family had a lot of birthdays so it had basically become a family reunion event -- and she was inviting him.

"I'd love to. I'll figure out when I can. Thank you."

The smile my mom had on her face when she handed the phone back to me made it very clear that she knew exactly what she had done. Then again, I'd been walking around half the time when one of us wasn't on the ice or asleep with him on my phone's screen. 

It hadn't been long, but I hadn't felt like this in so long. As the fears of my family not accepting him faded, we resumed talking. Being away from him was so hard even though I hadn't known much of anything different in my life. Skate Canada seemed to drag on forever. There were so many press conferences and so many questions about Yuri. Aside from that yes we were dating, I didn't tell them anything. They didn't need to know, and so many of their questions were ones I didn't honestly have the answers to.

No one was surprised that I won. This was nationals. It was a friendly home crowd and people I knew in my home country. Normally it was one of my favorite events. This year, I couldn't wait for it to be over. I had done something rash my first night here alone. The gala and banquet had dragged on forever. 

I took the flight back with my parents, but I didn't even leave the airport to go with them. My next flight left in a few hours and I had to clear customs for it. I had given my skates and costumes to my mom to take home, which left me with a carry-on and a suitcase of mostly dirty clothes. There were stores and most hotels had washing services. I'd be fine. While Yuri thought I was sleeping off Nationals, I was actually sleeping through a transatlantic flight to Frankfurt with a much too tight connection there to get to Istanbul. With the time zones, it was night again as I was getting onto the last flight, a five-hour trip from Istanbul to Almaty. I had tickets to Yuri's nationals. It was Tuesday morning when I landed in the early pre-dawn hours in Almaty. The city was gorgeous, and my Russian was not near good enough to really help me in a country where that wasn't even the official language. I had five hours before the open practice for the men was happening, so as soon as I got to my hotel, I made arrangements to have my suit dry cleaned and my laundry washed. At eight I sent Yuri a text to wish him good luck, but I knew he was going to be surprised. I just really hoped he wanted this. It was a horrible time for second thoughts to be happening, but as I walked around the hotel room all the doubts came back to me.

What if he didn't want to see me?

What if he didn't want me to draw attention to him at his Nationals?

What if Otabek's family wouldn't want me here in their city?

Why had I done this?

This was one of those stupid over the top things I did, and they never worked out -- oh god, could this one please just work out, just this one time?


	6. Emotions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprising your boyfriend by visiting him in his deceased husband's home town -- what could go wrong?
> 
> Jean had good reason to be nervous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only the epilog is left after this.  
> Thank you to everyone who has been reading this.

Nervous. I had never been this nervous about a skating competition. I knew I'd be recognized, so there was no reason not to be wearing my red Team Canada fleece. I wasn't an athlete today, I was just there to support Yuri. No, that wasn't accurate. I was here for Temir too. Even if the boy had driven Otabek crazy, I knew Otabek had loved him. He was clearly special to Yuri. Yeah, I was here for more than just Yuri.

Stepping into the venue that had been partially funded because of Otabek's success was harder than I thought it would be. As I looked around, I saw a large poster of Otabek in the main entry area. He was wearing his short program costume from the Olympics with a Kazakhstan flag behind him. I remembered that. I had already been at the games for a while when he had finally gotten there. Canada had qualified enough people to be able to take part in the team competition bur for Kazahkstan they only had three skaters qualified, Otabek and a Pairs team.

He had done so well that year, but that year was not meant to be his or mine. No, Not with Victor and Yuuri both there. He had come so close to a medal. His fourth-place had been within two points of the bronze, and it had been a point above me. I had a silver from the team competition though. Otabek had come home with nothing. He had worked so hard, and part of me wondered how much of that had been Yuri's influence. There had been emotion to the man's skating that had been missing before and right now, I was more than willing to attribute that to the relationship he had had with Yuri. They had been so perfect for each other. I had seen the private photos and the videos. I hadn't seen this though. I hadn't seen this place. This venue was Otabek's, and no matter how close our friendship had been, I still felt as if I were trespassing.

It was the official practice, so fewer people were here, and I didn't make it ten feet before I was recognized and the whispering started. I didn't let myself look nervous or out of place. Instead, I walked over to one of the big signs welcoming everyone to the event and took a selfie. I was here. People had seen me. It was too late to back out. I sent the picture to Yuri in a text.

> << Surprise!

I walked over to the line to get into the venue, my tickets in my hand as I waited for a reply.

> >> How!
> 
> >> You are seriously here?/??
> 
> >> What section are you in!

I hoped that was a good response as I sent him my seat info. I had barely gotten through the line and to my seat when I hear my name, "JJ!" 

I started to turn around but I was too slow. It wasn't Yuri, but it only took me a moment to recognize the woman. In a second, I was pulled into a hug and pulled down so that she could kiss my cheek. Everything I had read about customs here had said to expect a possible handshake -- not this. I didn't know what to say as Otabek's mother started to fuss over me.

"Oh, look at how tall you have gotten. We had no idea you were coming to see Yura skate. Come with me. The family is all sitting this way."

I had no choice. I was being led away by her before I could even think of anything to say. I knew it would be impossible to come here and watch Yuri skate without people knowing I was here, but I did not expect this.

Otabek's entire family was here. Well, Temir wasn't because Temir was off getting ready to skate. Both of Otabek's sisters and his older brother were here, along with his brother's wife and five-year-old son. Otabek's father would evidently be stopping by as soon as he could wrap things up at the office, but I was introduced to two of Otabek's Aunts, one grandmother, and a grandfather. There were another four cousins that I was not entirely clear how they were related. What I did know was that my comprehension of the Khazahk language was how to say 'fart' and that was not at all useful in this situation. Luckily my horrible Russian and their knowledge of English was enough.

Otabek's mother turned to me, a wide smile on her face, "I am so happy you could surprise our Yura like this."

"I knew how busy he is, and then I have the Four Continents coming up--"

"Did he tell you about Temir? His coach hasn't said it, but Yuri thinks there is a good chance that they are going to send him. This is only Temir's first year in seniors, but he took gold at junior nationals last year and he did well in the Junior Grand Prix." Otabek's mother had switched entirely to English, and the pride in her voice was so clear.

"He did. He was saying how much his skating has improved and that he thinks they'll want to get him exposed to more international competition." I was surrounded by people talking and kids reaching for snacks. It was so similar to being back home, no wonder Otabek had settled in so well with my family when he had lived with us.

"Of course if Yuri were allowed to skate for us it would guarantee us two spots for next year at both the four continents and worlds." Otabek's mother stood up, clapping as the first group of men skated out onto the ice. In fact, it was the only group of men. There were only five skaters in the senior division. Only Meris and Yuri had the points to go to Worlds. Only Meris had been skating long enough for Khazakstan to be able to. Yuri was skating for nothing but a placing here at his last competition of the year.

It was strange, watching Yuri skate out onto the ice and knowing this was the end of the season for him. I didn't want to bother him, but he was skating right to us anyway. The area Otabek's family had was so very close to the ice. "What are you doing here?" Yuri's tone wasn't upset, and the smile made it clear he was happy about it.

"I wanted to see you, and I know these nationals are a big deal, so I hopped on a plane?" Everyone here knew that 'hopping on a plane' to get to here from Canada was anything but easy. The best case you could hope for was one layover and the chances of that were almost zero. To get here meant over a full day on an airplane and probably at least two layovers.

"Did you bring my charger?" 

For a second I thought he meant it and was left there not knowing what to say. Then I saw how he was smiling, and I would do anything to keep Yuri looking that happy. I'd seen him mad for so many years, and I had seen him full of grief, but this happiness was so precious. All I could stammer was, "I forgot…"

He just laughed, the sound so light as he pulled me in for a quick kiss in front of everyone. His attention turned to Otabek's mom for a second, "Take good care of him for me."

She was there in a second, a quick kiss on Yuri's cheek, "Go, warm up. I will take care of him." As Yuri skated off, there was just a moment of sadness that she didn't let Yuri see. Only once he was out of earshot did she speak to me, "I haven't seen him happy since the accident -- not until you."

"I'm sorry." For as happy as I was with Yuri, there was always that emptiness of knowing why it was possible for this. If Otabek were alive -- oh, I knew, if Otabek were alive nothing in creation would make Yuri's eyes wander from that man, and I wouldn't want them to. I'd give up all of this in an instant if it could give Otabek back to Yuri, but I couldn't.

"Never be sorry for loving him. Yura is family, we love him. He was wonderful for my son and made him so happy. I was worried that he would never find a way to be happy." She was smiling as we both sat up, but she gave her biological son a huge wave as he skated by. "Otabek told us all the stories of how you welcomed him and how your family accepted him. He told us how much your friendship meant."

"It was …" How did I explain it? I didn't know if I had words, but I had to try. "It was like having a brother I actually wanted to be around instead of my actual brothers." I shook my head at how stupid that sounded. "He was amazing. Like -- I miss him, it just seems so wrong that I can't…" I paused. This didn't make any sense. It had been about a year, and here I was, tears running down my face. "Sometimes, I still wake up with some idea for a song or how to edit something for a program, and then it hits me that I can't call him."

Her arms wrapped around me, pulling me into a hug. "He always told us how good of a person you were."

I had no idea where she found a tissue, but she was wiping the tears from my cheeks. "Thank you." I didn't know what else to say. That didn't even begin to explain my emotions at what this was. I was dating her son's widower. She still had space in her heart to not only accept that but to welcome me.

I don't know how it happened, but some official changed where my seats were and I was officially going to be sitting with Otabek's family for nationals. I hadn't planned on being around for all the events, but I should have known. Otabek's influence hadn't only been on the men's single's side of the sport. No, All of the nation's skating programs had been affected.

I didn't go to the museum in the building that I hadn't even realized existed. Seeing all of Otabek's old costumes would just be too much, and I knew it. None of Otabek's family went either. The loss still too fresh for any of us to step into that today -- maybe some other day, not on a day that was meant to be happy.

There was no way to say no, and I didn't want to, when I was invited to join everyone at the family house for dinner. This time I had Yuri with me almost constantly -- except when he needed to pick up a niece or a nephew. He did disappear for a little when Otabek's littlest sister needed her hair fixed. It was pure chaos, but I was used to this. This was a family being a family. I wouldn't remember half the names the next day, but everyone even tried to speak English around me.

As the evening wound down, I found myself sitting on a couch with Yuri leaning against me. The conversation about what this was didn't need to happen. It was more than clear. We were dating. We were serious. The only family Yuri had approved, which meant Otabek's family approved. I could see why he had stayed here. As a three-year-old nephew crawled up next to Yuri and the man just pulled him into his lap so the boy could drift off, I knew -- this was Yuri's family.

Maybe the fans would realize, maybe they wouldn't I didn't have anything to be guilty of. Otabek would have wanted Yuri happy, and that was what I wanted as well. I loved him, I loved them both.

* * *

Three days later, Yuri stood on the center of the podium, but in a pure upset, Temir had been the one to help him up there from where the young man stood on the second-place spot. The announcement hadn't been made, but Temir would be at the Four Continents. Otabek would have been so proud.

* * *

Of course, people had reactions to me being at Nationals with Yuri. Most of them were negative. I lost a sponsor even. They'd been tenuous ever since Izzy and I had broken up though. The photo of Temir with an arm around me, smiling so wide it looked like his face would break while holding up his silver medal made up for some of it. The pictures Otabek's mom took of the family celebration did more good.

My last night in Almaty was the first night we were able to spend together. The others had all been Yuri going back to his apartment with Temir because of skating in the morning, or the night I had slept in the guest room at Otabek's parents' house because the post-celebration party had gone too late and Yuri had taken over Temir's bed so the boy had to sleep on the floor. The picture from that was cute though. After Yuri had gone to bed, He had taken a picture from the sleeping bag and you could see Yuri's arm hanging off the side of the bed. It had been captioned, 'Most silver medalists don't lose their own bed to the gold medalist, but welcome to the Altin family. It's 3 AM and the party to celebrate this finally ended. Going to sleep on my floor now''

The trip was nothing like I had expected. Evidently, Otabek had told his family so much about mine, and I had to share how Jonathan was doing in math classes since Otabek had helped him so much. I showed off the pictures of my niece. I shared all the pictures of Christmas, and it had almost seemed like I belonged and wasn't just an unexpected addition.

When we got back to Yuri's apartment after I had officially checked out of the hotel -- the silence was near deafening. This wasn't just Yuri's apartment, this was Yuri and Otabek's apartment. I didn't put my suitcases in his room, leaving them in the living room instead. While Otabek's music equipment was gone (one of his sisters had taken it to use), there were still pictures everywhere. Some were Yuri. Some were Otabek. The one right under the television was a blown-up picture of a selfie with Otabek and Yuri on a motorcycle. They both looked so happy in it. I couldn't help but to pick up the picture. It was not that old, it had to be the summer before the accident -- then I realized what exactly I was holding.

I turned to Yuri, and the sad smile on his face confirmed it. "You looked so happy to get married."

"I was." His steps towards me were slower as he reached out to touch the picture. "I probably should have put that away."

"No. No, you shouldn't. This is part of you. I'm never going to make you hide it. I -- If giving this all up brought him back for you, I'd give this up in an instant." That didn't come out right. I knew it didn't. As my heart raced and I tried to think of what to say to express what I really meant, I felt his arm wrap around me.

"Thank you."

Of all the things I had expected, a thank you wasn't it. "I …"

He moved, placing his fingers over my lips. "Jean. Listen to me. You … you are one of the only people in the world who has any idea of what I went through to lose him. You love him, not in the same way, but you do. I hear it in your voice when you talk about him. His family hears it. You miss him and …" He paused to press a hand to my chest, "He left a hole here when he left in you."

"He was your husband."

"Yeah. That doesn't change that you hurt too, and you've been there for me through my hurt," His eyes dropped as he pressed his head against my shoulder, "I never thought I'd love anyone again. The idea of getting over him was -- I couldn't comprehend it. It felt impossible, like my soul couldn't take that … and I didn't get over him. I won't ever get over him. I am going to love him until the day I die, Jean." His voice was getting strained, tense, emotional in ways that made me worry.

"I know." My arms were around him, the picture still in my hands as I just held him, feeling tears fall onto my shoulder.

"I'm sorry." His fingers were too tight on my arm as he struggled to talk, "You made this huge grand romantic gesture and I just end up crying on you instead of what you wanted tonight."

Part of me hurt that he thought what I wanted was sex and part of me was pissed at myself that he was right. However, what I wanted didn't matter here right now. I pulled back a little, my hands on his shoulders. "You never have to be sorry about how you feel. I love you, all the beautiful broken bits included." I leaned forward, this kiss soft and gentle. I hadn't flown halfway around to world for sex. I had made this trip to be with him. That night, it meant curled up on the couch listening to stories whispered against my neck about the husband Yuri had lost.


	7. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All that is left is the rest of their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this.
> 
> Pliroy week is a special event in my heart, so if you want to investigate it further, please check out the other works in the collection.
> 
> Comments and Kudos are my fuel, thank you so much.

It was weeks later that I was able to see Yuri again. We had talked on the phone as much as we could. We had made plans for July. I had been making plans for more. The Four Continents had Otabek's mom and brother at them which meant so many family dinners. My parents were there, as always being my coaches. A few evenings I felt like I was going to die of embarrassment as my mom told every last embarrassing story about when Otabek and I were teenagers thinking we were so smooth in skipping church, but my mom evidently knew.

My nights were spent with Yuri in my arms, kissing late into the night no matter how early I had to be at practice. So many of the big names had retired, and it wasn't much of a surprise that I ended up with a gold medal. Temir came in sixth though. Not only that, but his technical scores were high enough that he was able to be listed as an official alternate at Worlds. If Meris placed in the top ten -- the thoughts about next year and what it would take for Kazakhstan to have more competitors left my head the more Yuri kissed me.

The gala ended similarly to how it had at the Grand Prix Final, once again, Yuri and I were slow dancing in the dim lights. I could do this forever, moving to the music with him in my arms. All the pictures with our families had been taken. All our responsibilities were finished. The skating season would go on for one more competition, and then it would be the off-season.

As we made our way back to my hotel room -- not that Yuri had ever actually set foot in the room he was 'sharing' with Temir, I leaned in to whisper, "I have something really important I want to ask you."

"Jean?" There was a hesitation, but I pushed past the doubts it caused.

"I don't want to go back to being over a day in a plane away from you. I don't want to go back to knowing I can't be there if you need me." We were alone in the dimly lit hotel room.

"I love you … but…"

There was always a 'but' in my life, but this one I knew and understood. "But Almaty is important to you. Your family, and I know they're Otabek's family, but they are your family too, are important to you. Skating for Khazakstan is important to you. Otabek is and always will be important to you -- I know." The words came so fast as I looked into those worried green eyes. "I love you, Yuri Plisetsky. I love all of you, and that includes those parts. That includes your dreams. That includes your goals and your desires." I hoped I was conveying how serious I was as I held onto his waist with one hand, the other cupping his jaw as I couldn't look away from him. I had him here in my arms, and I wanted that forever.

"But Canada …"

"I'm not asking you to move to Canada. I am asking if I can accept the offer from your coach to move to Almaty. I've cleared it with everyone I need to -- my parents know. After Worlds, can I move to Almaty and train at your rink, with your coach, and --"

I didn't have a chance to finish. Everything else I was going to say was lost as Yuri kissed me. He didn't need to say 'yes', his intent was more than clear.

I didn't resist as he pulled me to the bed, ending up in a tangle of legs still dressed too nicely in our suits from the party. He pulled back, breaking off the kiss long enough to tease, "You're going to have to work on your language skills."

Oh that smile, I would do anything to see that smile. "Our coach speaks English."

"Our coach swears in an impressive amalgamation of Khazahk and Russian that should be impossible by the laws of grammar, but that doesn't stop him."

I pulled him closer, "I promise I'll put even more time into learning Russian." I kept my eyes on Yuri as he sat up, his weight on my hips as he tossed his suit jacket aside. 

I didn't say anything as he unbuttoned his shirt. Even in the pale light, his skin was such a stark contrast to the black fabric. Ethereal, it had always been a word that described Yuri -- even back when he was a pissed-off fifteen-year-old, it was why that whole Russian Fairy designation had stuck. Even when he had been so full of rage, he had been beautiful. Consumed by grief he never lost that beauty. Tonight, he was transformed by hope and I knew there would never be anything I could deny him.

Other nights had come so close, but tonight as clothes were tossed aside, the kisses were deeper, rougher. Every night this week, we had ended up stripped to our underwear and breathless. Tonight was different. Tonight, Yuri's hand settled onto my cheek as he whispered, "Give me something to hold onto until …" Maybe it was more romantic than I expected as his voice trailed off, but how his hand slipped under that elastic waistband made it clear the line in this relationship was moving.

Everything about Yuri's body was perfect. Every night I had wanted this, wanted more, but I had been so unwilling to push him. Tonight I was helpless to resist his pull as finally the last cloth barriers between us fell away and I was able to lavish his entire body with my mouth. The way he moved, the way his back arched, the delicious sharpness of his hips, and how his skin tasted -- I was lost in Yuri.

Then, finally, as his words whispered across my skin for more, my lips met his as my now lube slick cock met his body in the perfection I had been denying for so long. With strong legs wrapped around my hips, I turned his whispers into screams muffled against my shoulder.

Every muscle in his body was tensed, steel corded under silken skin as I drove into him. Thinking was lost. Everything was just how he responded, every breath, every move, every note of pain from his nails in my shoulders.

Lost in orgasmic bliss, I couldn't stop moving, not until Yuri was trembling in my arms desperate to hold on and utterly spent.

That night I kissed away his tears, not judging him just loving him. This wouldn't be easy, but I loved him. I loved every shattered piece of his heart. I loved him as I stroked my hand across his cheek.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Crying…"

"Never apologize for how you feel. I love you, all of you." I pressed a kiss to his forehead before I pulled him tight. I would never take Otabek's place and Yuri would never stop loving him -- but Yuri loved me as well, and maybe that was part of what I loved so much about him. That he could have so much capacity to love in him, even through the pain, he was still able to love again.


End file.
